Young People Need To Stop Engaging In Casual Fornication With Their Peers

Updated April 01, 2016 1:45pm PDT
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With a title like this, you're already picturing me as a bitter, creepy old man just short of your grandfather's age. 

Well you're wrong: I'm not bitter. My elaborate array of disco medallions may spend more time soaking in Tarn-X than nestled amongst my brambled nest of brittle, dry graying chest hair, but I'm still getting my share of sweaty, vaguely cheese-smelling old man sex. 

Don't worry about me, I'm riding a pretty sweet crest of 80s nostalgia, showing off my still-memorized Ms. Pac Man patterns at the local laundromat.

I'm up on what the kids are doing these days. I've got pics of my elderly testicles on Craigslist so the ladies know what they're getting into. I've even come out of the closet recently as sapiosexual. 

Sexual identities are a big thing these days and I wanna let my freak flag fly–as long as sexual partners are willing to be held to condescending standards of what I consider intelligent and culturally relevant.

There's one trend I can't wrap my head around tho: casual sex between consensual young adults in the privacy of their own underfurnished studio apartments. Can you imagine? These kids hooking up on the interweb on their own volition, outside of the predatory club scene meat market where I have access to them? All those tragically untouched absinthe frappes, lime mimosas, and coconut metropolitans I would be glad to offer any lucky lady willing to attend the local dimly lit swingers bar with me.

I go to the co-ed bath houses and glory holes of my youth, though the crowds are unpredictable and a fraction of the size they once were (much like my genitals). The magic is gone. I haven't taken the cover off of my own backyard hot tub since House was still on the air. 

Curious 20-somethings are actually hooking up with each other, rather than adventurously immersing themselves in the mystique of more age-diverse sex-positive dating scenes. Where am I gonna go riff off choice Sam Harris quotes and display my encyclopedic knowledge of 50 Shades Of Grey? 

Seriously, I have both the book and the movie memorized–refuse to consider it a waste of time.

If you are to take anything away from this, I implore of the younger generation: throw us weird old smooth operators a bone sometime. Lemme buy you some sort of pumpkin spice drink until I ultimately decide your shallow pop culture references are beneath my sapiosexual intellectual purity.

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Destroyed For Comfort frontperson. Gamedev of altgame titles like Never Go To Work and retro game enthusiast. Probably writing about something pop culture related. Born/raised Texan; slightly embarrassed about it. Weirder than you're probably comfortable with. Once had a Tumblr post reach 40,000 notes. Has a reputation, for good or bad.