Non-monogamy, in all its forms, offers a freedom to explore and fulfill our identities as sexual and romantic beings. But as any uncle at Thanskgiving will tell you, freedom isn't free; no lifestyle is so alternative that it avoids the pratfalls of having relationships under patriarchy.
How do we navigate this frontier of non-exclusive fornication with compassion and grace? How do we resolve relationship conflicts in a way de-centered from heteronormativity?
For these questions and more, polyamory pundit Andre Shakti is here for you.
I was dating a girl, who I'll call Yvette, who had a bitter public feud with a longtime friend of mine, someone I'd always had feelings for, but being trans means everyone assumes I'm just hyper-thirsty all the time so I rarely make the first move. We'll call my friend Gladys because I'm secretly 54. Gladys confessed her feelings to me after a hot night of processing our other relationships (oh baby, behave), and I immediately took to her as a partner. I thought having me in common would stop them fighting, but it only intensified it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fantasize, being a Domme to both of them, of making them be friends in a sort of emotional edge play. I don't break up with people at the behest of others; Yvette broke up with me a couple of months in when she realized she couldn't talk me out of seeing Gladys. Gladys ghosted me shortly after. So, I deserve this. I'm certain of it. But where, exactly, did I fuck up?
I like to refer to nonmonogamous relationships as “Relationships 401”. That’s not to belittle monogamous relationships by inferring that they’re elementary, but developing concurrent dynamics with multiple individuals pretty much necessitates you operate at an advanced level. Exceptional communication skills, a superior knowledge of self, and a strong ethical code are key. Because out-and-proud poly people are still in the minority, we tend to overlap each other (dating friends, roommates, exes, and even “enemies” of other close community members) with a higher frequency. As such, it favors us to to consider the effects a new relationship could potentially have on our other relationships before diving headfirst (or genitals-first) into it. No relationship exists in a vacuum, but the “consequences” of poly relationships tend to have farther-reaching implications.
I wouldn’t necessarily say that you “fucked up”, but as my mother would knowingly assert, “You made your bed, and now you’re lying in it”. You made your decision to begin a romantic relationship with Gladys coming from a fully informed place: you knew Yvette had an unresolved history with her, and yet you still pursued and developed a partnership with Gladys.
It sounds like, in the aftermath of this decision, that both of your partners practiced pretty predictable self-care strategies.
Yvette stayed in the relationship for a few months, undoubtedly hoping you would realize the error of your ways but also most likely assessing whether or not the dynamic was one she could grow accustomed to. When she realized it was too painful, she ended the partnership.
I have less specific information about Gladys, but it sounds like she experienced some guilt and/or shame about being the catalyst for your breakup, causing her to have less pride in the relationship. While “ghosting” as opposed to being up front about her feelings may not have been the most considerate way to let go, she may have been experiencing feelings of embarrassment and regret that rendered her incapable of confronting you directly. I’m sorry you’re experiencing the loss of two partners in such a short period of time, but hopefully you can learn from this experience and move forward in a more intentional way where you’re taking interpersonal dynamics between partners and potential partners more seriously.
Can you date sisters? I'm not saying I want to. I have two friends, who are dating, who went on a few double dates with a pair of biological sisters and from the bits and pieces I've gathered, group sex has definitely happened on these dates. They're talking about forming a little polycule with these sisters. You can't do that, right? Like, there definitely have to be rules to polyamory, and one of those rules has to be "you cannot date people within the same family". No one else in our social circle is as horrified as I am. It's like I live in a John Waters movie. Help me.
I spent seven years in Baltimore City, so I’m inclined to recommend that everyone spend a little time living in a John Waters movie (particularly if it’s A Dirty Shame). But that’s not answering your question.
In short? I think you need to mind your own business. The beautiful thing about nonmonogamy is that it can take on a seemingly endless array of permutations. There is no “one way” or “right way” to do poly - it looks different for everyone. As long as folks are operating ethically - utilizing honest, frequent communication and respecting each person’s boundaries - I truly believe that anything is possible. Just because we’re squicked out by another person’s life choices doesn’t mean we have the authority to throw the proverbial book at them. So no, there are no “rules” to polyamory, unless you count “don’t be an asshole”, and we should keep it that way.
Once we start trying to regulate how people love one another, we’re no better than those who oppress us.
Also, if you continue to be disturbed by this situation (that has nothing to do with you), I recommend you move out of the San Francisco Bay Area, where you are so obviously living.