All sorts of love, no matter how you practice it, is prone to lovesickness.
Non-monogamy, in all its forms, offers a freedom to explore and fulfill our identities as sexual and romantic beings. But as any uncle at Thanskgiving will tell you, freedom isn't free; no lifestyle is so alternative that it avoids the pratfalls of having relationships under patriarchy.
How do we navigate this frontier of non-exclusive fornication with compassion and grace? How do we resolve relationship conflicts in a way de-centered from heteronormativity?
For these questions and more, polyamory pundit Andre Shakti is here for you.
1) I'm in a relationship with a woman who has some kinks that I think are a little creepy (struggling, age play, breeding). She's never pushed them on me, and at first I was really supportive and relieved when she found another partner to do them with. But just knowing they do it, even if I can't see or hear it, is starting to make me uncomfortable, to the point where I've considered asking my partner not to bring this person over to our house. Ideally I could just ask her to stop seeing this other person, but I know better than to ask for that. Not even sure I have the right. Fuck. What do I do?
First, I do believe that individuals have the right to draw boundaries around their own living spaces. There’s nothing worse than coming home to a place that’s ceased feeling stable, safe, or secure for you.
However, before you go off dictating which of your partner’s partners can and can’t cross the threshold, make sure that any new negotiations are being accompanied by some serious introspection.
I feel as though the primary source of your unease with your partner’s outside activities are still the activities themselves as opposed to you experiencing feelings of jealousy or envy. My initial inclination is to remind you not to “yuck someone else’s yum.” But to give you the benefit of the doubt, perhaps your partner’s kinks are more triggering for you than simply “gross” or “icky”. Looking inside yourself to find the source of your unrest should precede any decision-making on your part. You can enlist the help of friends and/or a therapist to gain perspective and clarity, engage in free-writing or journaling, and perhaps delve into some sex-positive nonmonogamous literature.
Once you’ve shed some light on why you’re creeped out, be honest with yourself around how you want to handle it. Do you want to work on yourself? Or are you content with putting up an emotional wall to act as a protective barrier? Either way, it’s then time to sit down with your partner and have an open and honest dialogue about how you feel.
If the end result is you still wanting to ban her partner from your home, either temporarily while you do work on yourself (and schedule future times to sit down, check in, and reevaluate the situation with your partner) or permanently, it’s her duty to acknowledge your discomfort and respect that boundary. But she shouldn’t be shamed or guilted for her desires in the process, and you should remember that you may be asking for something that pains her or feels like a sacrifice.
If significant time passes and you still don’t feel comfortable with your partner’s kinks, you may have to acknowledge the possibility that you two aren’t made for one another. Our sexual desires are huge parts of our identities, and everyone is deserving of a partner who will support and celebrate those kinks, even if they “squick” them out, because they love and believe that person is worth that understanding.
2) So my friend (who is a trans woman) and I share a partner. I know our partner really really likes her, but she has a history of showing preference to cis male partners, especially when it comes to introducing them to coworkers and family. She wants to bring me around to meet her mother, and I'm conflicted because I'm afraid that if she introduces me and not her, my friend will come to resent me and I'll just be enabling our partner's behavior which has sabotaged so many of her previous relationships. Do I try to advocate for her to introduce my friend to her mother at first, or just not bother with the parents thing until she re-examines her biases?
Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino defines modern “polyfidelity” as a nonmonogamous sub-identification referring to a group of three or more people who commit to being in an intimate family-type structure with one another. Though you and your transfeminine friend are not lovers, you obviously care about her well-being and the health of her individual relationship with your partner. I practice polyfidelity myself, being in a close unit with three other folks (some trans, some cis), and as such I have a lot of empathy for your situation.
All that being said: as well-intentioned as you seem, you may very well be stepping to business that has nothing to do with you.
First, do you even know how your friend feels about meeting your partner’s family? Perhaps she’s ambivalent or has been adamant about her disinterest in doing so. You want to make sure you’re not speaking for her or making decisions on her behalf.
Second, how much do you know about your partner’s family? Perhaps your partner’s decision to not extend a dinner invitation to your friend (yet) is strategic and being done out of love. Her family may very well be homophobic, transphobic, and/or unaware that she is non monogamous; she could be trying to protect your friend from their disapproval and animosity by not putting her in an unsafe situation.
All of these unknown variables can be easily cleared up by sitting down and talking about how you feel with your partner. You’ll want to start with some gentle probative questions about her relationship with her family to get her to think critically about the situation. Has her family been exposed to trans people before? Does her family know that she identifies as a queer nonmonogamous person?
Let her talk, and make sure you’re actively listening to her responses and not just thinking of what you’re going to say next. Then you’ll want to be honest about your emotions around the situation. Be sure to use “I” statements and stay away from strong declarations and ultimatums. For example, saying “I feel uncomfortable when I think about my friend being left out” vs “You need to include my friend”, or “I’m feeling hesitant about meeting your family under these circumstances” vs “I’m not meeting your family until she does”.
If it turns out that her family is awesome and your friend has been dying to meet them–that your partner has yet to confront her own transphobia and/or internalized homophobia–then it’s time to have an entirely different set of conversations with her and do your own critical thinking around whether or not you can sustain that relationship.
If you have a question for for Andre, write to us at dirtiestwellknownsecret at gmail with "I Am Poly & So Can You" in the subject line.